Let Them Fly

Psychology Today defines the Empty Nest Syndrome as “feelings of depression, sadness and/or grief experienced by parents or caregivers after children come of age and leave their childhood homes." 

At this time of year -- end of August, beginning of September, there are many of us all around the world who are entering into this "Empty Nest" life phase as we send our children off to school -- from Kindergarten to college, and in my case, even graduate school.  My daughter, Holly, my youngest, just left this week to move 1,100 miles away to earn her Master's Degree in Social Work at the University of Chicago.  And I am deep in the grieving stage....  You would think that I already should have adjusted to her being away, since five years ago she left home to attend the University of Texas.  Yet, her living 15 minutes from home is just not the same, I have found.  So, I am now in the club with so many of you who are also suffering, missing your child, wading through the dichotomy of feeling tremendously proud, excited and supportive of their strength and independence, while simultaneously bitterly mourning their departure.    

I honestly have been baffled by the depths of my grief in this, because I truly am so thrilled for her to have this amazing adventure.  But as I research about this syndrome I am relieved to discover that my extreme mood swings and seemingly contradictory emotions are all actually quite textbook and considered “normal” for the situation.  So, if you are dealing with this too, then be comforted that you are not alone, your feelings are understandable, and it will get better!

One of the things that people keep reminding me, and my studying of this has also reiterated – if your child has attained enough independence to move away and begin a life on his or her own, then as a parent you should consider yourself successful.  Our goal is to raise our children so they can walk their own path and achieve their dreams in life.  So I am thankful for that.  

I am deeply grateful that my 23-year-old daughter is also my dear friend; however this very thing at the same time makes her absence seem so unbearable.  She lived back here in our home for the last nine months and now the emptiness is just palpable.  Even The Girls are drooping around sniffing and searching for their Holly. 

Little things remind me of her and then the tears and waterworks will start all over again.  For instance, we both enjoy the habit of eating oatmeal for breakfast, each with half of a sweet, juicy Texas peach cut up over it.  On mornings when I had to get up and leave earlier I would cook enough oatmeal for us both and then leave the other half of the peach on the cutting board for her.  Or she would do the same for me. 

Also, daisies are Holly’s favorite, because she says “daisies are happy flowers,” so I got these for her the other day so she could enjoy them her last week here.   But now that she is gone, these sights just tear at my heart.  And this may sound silly or sappy to you, but for those of you who also had to wave goodbye to a child this Fall, you know exactly what I mean!

So what has helped me get through this?  Well, honestly I’m still IN it so I’m not all the way on the other side yet.  But what has comforted me have been the hugs, calls, cards, even Facebook posts from thoughtful friends and my husband and family.  I have also had to force myself regularly to think of my “Ten Things” (see my story from June 10), focusing on all the many blessings that I do have to be thankful for in this scenario.  Also, per the recommendations in the Psychology Today article, we must make plans for how to occupy our “empty nest” time, so I will be teaching my Fall Women’s Bible Study class at our church, continuing to sing in our Praise Team, and then there is the other little detail that I am starting MY graduate school next Tuesday.   

But also, promises from God like these give comfort and renewed hope to our souls ~

The righteous cry out and the LORD hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles.  The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.                                                                       ~ Psalm 34:17-18

The LORD will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins.  He will make her deserts like Eden and her wastelands like the garden of the LORD.  Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing.                                                                      ~  Isaiah 51:3

One of my friends posted on my Facebook page, “Ellen, we have to let them fly!”  And when I was still drowning in my puddle of grief, I wasn’t quite ready for that advice.  And yet I am familiar with that saying and am slowly beginning to accept the wisdom of it.  My head agrees, my heart is just dragging a little in catching up….

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven…… a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.                                                                                             ~  Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4

On June 12, 1988, in the final days of my second pregnancy, I was in the worship service at Bannockburn Baptist Church here in Austin.  As is the Baptist custom, there was a closing song and an invitation for anyone who wanted to come forward, and God spoke to me very clearly at that moment.  I knew that the birth of my baby would occur very soon and God inspired me to get up and walk to the front during that song.  The pastor asked me what I needed and I told him I wanted to “dedicate my baby to the LORD.”  So he said a prayer with me and then when the music ended he announced to the whole congregation my commitment.   Holly entered the world two days later, June 14, 1988.  So from before she was even born she was dedicated to the LORD, and then within just a few years she gave her own heart to Him as well.  Now she is convinced that moving to Chicago is God’s plan for her next steps in life and so I also need to trust that He will be there with her, protecting, teaching, strengthening, and guiding her.   She is dedicated to Him, in any case.

For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.   All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.                            ~  Psalm 139:13-14, 16

So what is the advice for the empty nest syndrome?  “Let them fly.”  Flying is what Holly is doing, and the same may be true for your children.  And for those of us left behind watching our little precious bird soaring farther and farther in the distance, we just have to remember that God is with them.  And where God is, there is joy.  So let us trust Him with them.  And know that our aching hearts will heal a little bit each day.  Sigh.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?  Where can I flee from Your presence?  If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.                                                                                                                 ~  Psalm 139:7, 9-10



As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you.    ~  Isaiah 66:13

Singing in the Shadow

Some mountains have not just one but two peaks; we find that where there is light there is also shadow; and sometimes we receive a miraculous answer to one impossible situation, only to realize that there is still another part of it left to solve.  

The Bible tells us the story of how the Israelites were in just such a predicament.  You probably remember this saga.  The Israelite people, led by Moses, witnessed God orchestrating their amazing and supernatural release from their long years of brutal captivity in Egypt, only to discover that the Red Sea blocked their path and violent Egyptian soldiers were quickly closing in behind them.  So what did God do?  He miraculously parted the waters and they walked through to safety, then He crashed the walls of water closed to wash away their enemy and ensure their freedom.  You would think they would never doubt God again after experiencing such spectacular rescues! 

And then they continued to journey toward the land that God had promised to give them and found every need provided for – manna literally falling from heaven each morning for them to eat, water cascading out of a rock to slake their thirst, and even quail were patiently provided when they complained about being tired of the manna.  God proved Himself over and over that He was faithful to His promises.  He could be counted on to come through.  And yet….

The weary travelers finally arrived at the very brink of the land of Canaan, the land God had promised that He would give them as their new home.  But they sent a scouting expedition over to explore and bring back a report, and when most of the scouts returned downcast with a spirit of fearfulness and negativity, and announced that “there are giants there,” again the Israelites doubted God’s power and ability to provide what He had promised. 

You know, I have heard and read that story my whole life and my reaction has almost always been, “Man, WHAT was the matter with those Israelite people?  HOW could they see with their own eyes that God over and over was taking care of them and providing absolutely spectacular miracles for them, and yet whenever there was another obstacle, they doubted all over again!”

I hate to admit it, but now I can understand them in a way, and I even see myself succumbing to a similar dilemma.  Sometimes we experience God answering prayer and opening doors, providing, solving, repairing, healing, and we are so grateful and we praise Him with our whole heart.  But then another predicament presents itself and if we are not careful to recall His past works, not only in the Bible times but especially in our own life, we can be like those Israelites and feel fears and doubts all over again. 

So what is the solution?  To remember!

I will remember the deeds of the LORD, yes I will remember your miracles of long ago.  I will meditate on all Your works and consider all Your mighty deeds.  Your ways, O God, are holy.  What god is so great as our God?  You are the God who performs miracles.  You display your power among the peoples.    

                                                                                                                              ~  Psalm 77:11-14

Instead of focusing on our new problem, if we will turn and look toward God, remembering all the ways He has rescued us in the past, we will see that He is Light and the shadow of our difficulty will fall behind us. 

You are my lamp, O LORD.  You turn my darkness into light. 

               ~ 2 Samuel 22:29

Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the word of His servant?  Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God. 

                         ~ Isaiah 50:10 

Jesus said, ‘I am the light of the world.  Whoever follows Me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life.’                                          ~ John 8:12

So 2011 has been the year of spectacular crises in my personal life with also mind-blowing rescues and miraculous provisions from God each and every time.  In January I fell down the stairs at my home, broke my collarbone and smashed my head, only to emerge with a remarkable and amazing recovery.  God is the Great Protector and Healer.  Just a few weeks later, in March, I lost my job and plunged into four months of floundering and searching, only to wake up on July 6^th with a clear and unmistakably divine solution:  “Don’t get another job, get your Master’s degree in Counseling.”  So only three weeks later I was accepted into St. Edward’s University AND Seminary of the Southwest.   God is the Great Guide and Door-Opener. 

Even so. Enter the “Israelite Syndrome."  I can recount these specific incidences in my life where God the Father has DIRECTLY ministered to me, answered prayer, provided for me in supernatural ways, and I am humbled, grateful and deeply moved by His mercy and generosity to me.  And yet…..the shadow.  There is still an unsolved chapter.  I have taken this leap of faith to enroll in the Seminary and have felt the thrill of joy and anticipation……right up until I remember that somehow we have to PAY for this privilege.  The financial obligations are looming now like those giants in the Promised Land.  I SO much want to have faith that the money will come in somehow, some way, that God will provide, but it is ANOTHER one of those situations that just looks IMPOSSIBLE.  The money is not there.  The numbers don’t add up.  So here I am, back in the shadow of yet another lesson of faith – of waiting, trusting, trying to have hope that AGAIN God will come through.  The Seminary awarded me with an incredibly generous tuition grant and now God is asking me to trust Him that He will provide the rest. 

Of those Israelite scouts that brought back the reports about Canaan – there were TWO, Joshua and Caleb, who came back saying, “Yes, the enemies in this land are big, but we have the God of the Universe on our side and we can DO this!”  And guess what – THEY are the only ones who got to cross over into the land in the end.  Because they believed! 

So when we are looking at a problem and it seems like “there are giants in the land,” or we can’t see the end of the road, and the storm clouds cast shadows over our path, what do we need to do? 

Sing!

Because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your wings. 

                                                                                                                               ~  Psalm 63:7

My husband Gary and I sing in our praise team at our church and when I get to rehearsal on Wednesday night sometimes my mood is down or burdened, or I feel battle-scarred by the demands of the day.  Yet, it only takes one or two songs and just the mere act of singing praises to God, even when I don’t feel like it, washes over me like a gentle shower and fills me with a renewed hope, a refreshing touch of His Spirit, healing, comforting, strengthening me.  The problems out there didn’t change during our rehearsal, but my heart did.    

We need to lighten our hearts and trust Him to come through – just as He always has before.  We need to sing in the shadow!  And guess what – sometimes the shadow is made not because of storm clouds but because God Himself is protecting us, shielding us, and His wings are what has created the shadow around us.

Photo: Jason Franscon / The Canadian Press, Edmonton Sun

He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge.  His truth is your shield and armor. 

                                                                                                                                ~  Psalm 91:4

Leeaap of Faith!

Do you have a lifelong dream that you maybe didn’t get the chance to pursue?  Do you have a yearning deep inside to do something or accomplish something, and yet all you can see are barricades and detours and signs that say “Impossible”?

I sure have.  Years ago….decades ago….I felt a call from God to go into the ministry.  So when I got to the University of Texas I earned my Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and had every intention of continuing immediately on to seminary to pursue a career in counseling or Christian education.  But you know sometimes how “life happens,” and by the time I was walking across the stage to receive my diploma I also had an engagement ring sparkling on my finger and wedding plans swirling in my head.  So my next step after college was to get a job, any job, purely for financial survival as a young newlywed helping her husband finish his degree.  Soon children came along and parenting with all its joys and demands.  But every once in awhile through the years would come the memories of my original plan and then wistful wonderings of “What if?”  And yet, there was always a mountain of reasons why it couldn’t happen.

And in the meantime, what about the calling from God to the ministry?  I have sincerely tried to follow that leading, but it always has been manifest in a volunteer capacity.  And yet, God says this --   

Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.                          
                                                                                                        ~  1 Thessalonians 5:24

But 2011 came crashing in and brought an unprecedented time of trial into my life, an attention-grabbing series of life-altering events, and I was flung head first into a season of reflection and reevaluation; a siege of searching, wondering, and seeking God’s plan for my path.  

I sought the LORD and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.          ~ Psalm 34:4

I have a pink sticky note that I wrote on the day I lost my job with a list of five specific prayer requests which I lifted up to God in my first hours of terror and desperation.  That sticky note is still posted on my desk by my computer and I pray over it every time I look at it.  The last two petitions to the Lord say, “Open a door” and “Make this a blessing.”

Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.           ~ Psalm 37:4

So, on the morning of July 6, 2011, I awoke to the very clear and insistent leading from that voice, His voice, saying, “You should get your Master’s degree.”  “WHAT?  How in the WORLD can I even consider that when I need to be bringing money IN rather than funneling more OUT!”  But even so, the thought did cause a thrill to shoot through me – could it be?  Could this be my solution, could realizing my lifelong dream be God’s leading – His answer to my prayers beseeching Him to open a door and make this (crisis) a blessing?

But how? Where? What will be the outcome?  A barrage of questions flooded in and yet, I was reminded of the story in Genesis of how God called Abraham to leave his home, pack up his family and his belongings and move “to a land that I will show you.”  God didn’t tell Abraham where he was supposed to go, but he was just to obey, take one step at a time, have faith, and trust that God would show him the rest as the time was right! 

And also many others of God’s promises have come to me during these last weeks, such as these –

Ah, Sovereign LORD, you have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm.  Nothing is too hard for you.                    ~  Jeremiah 32:17

God will supply all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus.                   ~ Philippians 4:19

Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.’                          ~  Matthew 19:26

So I stepped out.  No, I LEAPED out.  For the last three and a half weeks I have been immersed in researching degree plans, filling out admissions applications and financial aid paperwork, writing admissions essays and autobiographies, soliciting letters of reference, obtaining certified transcripts from the University of Texas, even taking an admissions test.  I have also visited schools in person – St. Edwards, Texas State, and one I had not heard of before, Seminary of the Southwest; all the while fighting against the doubts and fears that I was stumbling into the realm of the impossible, getting my hopes up that I could finally return to my path of so long ago, only to have the way closed again. 

And yet, every time I would open my Bible I would come across more verses like this ~

I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you.

                            ~  Matthew 17:20

And then it dawned on me – getting my Master’s degree, that was not MY idea but God’s!   So if He is going to tell me to do this, then He will make the way for me – from getting me admitted INTO the school, to providing for the financial demands as well. 

Then Job replied to the LORD:  ‘I know that you can do all things; no plan of Yours can be thwarted.’      ~  Job 42:2



Seminary of the Southwest, Austin, Texas



So my big, amazing, earth-shattering news is that today, August 2, 2011, I was accepted as a graduate student at the Seminary of the Southwest to begin the path of earning my Master’s degree in Counseling!

God has opened the door wide and I have walked through! 

O LORD, save us, O LORD grant us success.   ~  Psalm 118:23

So the time of waiting is over.  The season of living in the “Not-Knowing” has ended.  The door has been flung wide open and my path revealed.  And I am humbled.  I am in awe.  I am so grateful.  And I am about to POP I’m so excited!!!! 

I love how God always seems to work music into exactly what is happening in my life.  Here are the words to the Vacation Bible School song that our Children’s Director has asked for our Praise Team to work up and sing THIS SUNDAY.  It has become the song of my soul, and it can be for yours, too.  So as you read the lyrics below, think of YOUR dream, your unmet longing, and see if you can sing these words to God and let Him, the God of the impossible, the God of new hope, give you a new beginning, too.

TODAY IS THE DAY

I’m casting my cares aside

I’m leaving my past behind

I’m setting my heart and mind on You, Jesus

I’m reaching my hand to Yours

Believing there’s so much more

Knowing that all You have in store for me is good, it’s good.

Today is the day You have made

I will rejoice and be glad in it

And I won’t worry about tomorrow

I’m trusting in what You say

Today is the day

I’m putting my fears aside

I’m leaving my doubts behind

I’m giving my hopes and dreams to You, Jesus

I’m reaching my hand to Yours

Believing there’s so much more

Knowing that all You have in store for me is good, it’s good.

I will stand upon Your Truth

All my days I’ll live for You

Words and music by Lincoln Brewster and Paul Baloche 2008

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!  Amen.       ~ Ephesians 3:20-21

Listen.   Trust.    Follow.



This is the Way. Walk in it.

Are you at a crossroads in your life?  Do you have a big decision to make?  Do you have a choice of paths and need direction and guidance from God?  Well, He promises to give us just that! 

The LORD longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion.  For the LORD is a God of justice.  Blessed are all who wait for Him! 

O people…....you will weep no more.  How gracious He will be when you cry for help!  As soon as He hears, He will answer you.  Although the LORD gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, He, your Teacher will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see Him. 

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you say, ‘This is the way; walk in it.’                      ~ Isaiah 30:18-21

Beautiful.  It sounds so easy.  But sometimes the choices are so big, the consequences so far-reaching……  We just want to be absolutely sure!  We do desire to follow God, to know His will, but just to “hear a voice,” which will probably not be audible, but will manifest itself as that “still small voice” coming up from within our souls…. That makes discerning our answer feel a little tricky sometimes….  We are tempted to ask God, “Can you write it on a billboard?  Could you send me a letter in the mail that has my ‘mission’ neatly typed out for me?  Or even like Mapquest – Lord, can you be ‘God-Quest’ and map my path all out for me, highlighted in yellow?”

Not exactly.  And yet….God does promise to tell us, to guide us, and assures us that we will know His voice if we are one of His.   Jesus says to us ~

‘I am the Good Shepherd; I know my sheep and My sheep know me – just as the Father knows Me and I know the Father, and I lay down my life for the sheep.’        ~  John 10:14

But will we REALLY KNOW when it is Him speaking to us?  Well, does a mother know her child’s voice?  Can you recognize your spouse or your best friend within just a word or two on the phone?  And how do we get to that point of intimacy?  We spend time with them.  We study them, we get to know them.  We live life with them.  And that is what Jesus wants us to do with Him…..and then we WILL recognize His voice….from spending time in prayer with Him, from being immersed in His Word, and from personal experience of walking with Him each day.
 
 

The sheep listen to His voice.  He calls His own sheep by name and leads them out.  When He has brought out all his own, He goes on ahead of them, and His sheep follow Him because they know His voice.               ~  John 10:3-4

So lately I have been desperately needing direction from Him.  And yet sometimes He wants us to wait.  To learn patience.  For our faith to grow deeper.  Or maybe the timing just isn’t right for the answer yet.  We have to live in the “Not-Knowing” phase sometimes. 

And then…..a breakthrough finally comes….

This is what the LORD says, He who made the way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters.... –

‘Forget the former things.

Do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing new things!

Now it springs up, do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.’

                                                                                                            ~ Isaiah 43:16, 18-19

I came across this Scripture just the other day.  Wow, this sounds so hopeful!  Like maybe the waiting time is almost over.  You see, I feel like I have been wandering in a desert wasteland these last months – of being slammed with crisis upon catastrophe, which ended in slinging me into a dark valley of uncertainty of what step to take next – the “not-knowing” time. 

Out of curiosity I did some research and discovered that the “Holmes and Rahe Life Stress Scale” ranks major stressful events with numerical values, based on the amount of upheaval and pain each one causes.  In the Holmes and Rahe chart, a “serious personal injury or illness” ranks right near the top, second only to death of a family member, divorce or imprisonment, and then “losing your job” is right below that…..  I know that many of you can totally relate, having also been trudging through your own valley or desert, or thrashing through the woods lost and disoriented, desperately needing to hear the Shepherd’s comforting voice to show you the way.

So, I understand how you feel.  This has been a difficult personal journey for me, and yet I have known without a doubt that every step of the way I have not traveled alone.  God has walked with me, carried me at times, and taught me so many wonderful things that I can say I am not even the same person I was at the end of 2010.  I have been in a classroom of faith these seven months, of being stretched to the limit, of learning crucial lessons like how to be thankful even in the midst of the crisis, how to trust God even when there seemed to be no hope, and how to forgive when the pain and bitterness threatened to poison me. 

God instructs us in the Isaiah passage above, “Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past….”  And He promises, “I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.” 

He also says this ~

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them.  I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth.  These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.                 ~  Isaiah 42:16

So, what felt like a calamity to me for so long, has ended up as a discovery that this is an opportunity for God to “turn the darkness into light” and “make the rough places smooth.”  Or even to the extent of releasing me from a captivity of sorts – like this dove being freed from its cage.  God says He sent Jesus to ~

Bind up the brokenhearted, proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from darkness the prisoners.                                 ~  Isaiah 61:1

So what do we do when we are in the “not-knowing” stretch of time?  We pray.  We ask God for guidance and direction.  We cry.  We pray some more.  We listen.  And we wait.  And we trust that God knows our path and our destination, even when we can’t see it just yet. 

 And in the meantime, we learn about faith.   Because when it is time, when He says, “This is the way, walk in it,” we must be prepared to obey.   Then at that moment we could be released to the freedom to try something completely new in life, completely unthinkable in its scope and yet, if God leads us, then He will make it happen.   

Show me Your ways, O LORD, teach me Your paths; guide me in Your truth and teach me, for You are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.                                                                                                   ~  Psalm 25:4-5

Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD?  He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.  He will spend his days in prosperity, and his descendants will inherit the land.

                                                                                                               ~  Psalm 25:12-13