Let Them Fly

Psychology Today defines the Empty Nest Syndrome as “feelings of depression, sadness and/or grief experienced by parents or caregivers after children come of age and leave their childhood homes." 

At this time of year -- end of August, beginning of September, there are many of us all around the world who are entering into this "Empty Nest" life phase as we send our children off to school -- from Kindergarten to college, and in my case, even graduate school.  My daughter, Holly, my youngest, just left this week to move 1,100 miles away to earn her Master's Degree in Social Work at the University of Chicago.  And I am deep in the grieving stage....  You would think that I already should have adjusted to her being away, since five years ago she left home to attend the University of Texas.  Yet, her living 15 minutes from home is just not the same, I have found.  So, I am now in the club with so many of you who are also suffering, missing your child, wading through the dichotomy of feeling tremendously proud, excited and supportive of their strength and independence, while simultaneously bitterly mourning their departure.    

I honestly have been baffled by the depths of my grief in this, because I truly am so thrilled for her to have this amazing adventure.  But as I research about this syndrome I am relieved to discover that my extreme mood swings and seemingly contradictory emotions are all actually quite textbook and considered “normal” for the situation.  So, if you are dealing with this too, then be comforted that you are not alone, your feelings are understandable, and it will get better!

One of the things that people keep reminding me, and my studying of this has also reiterated – if your child has attained enough independence to move away and begin a life on his or her own, then as a parent you should consider yourself successful.  Our goal is to raise our children so they can walk their own path and achieve their dreams in life.  So I am thankful for that.  

I am deeply grateful that my 23-year-old daughter is also my dear friend; however this very thing at the same time makes her absence seem so unbearable.  She lived back here in our home for the last nine months and now the emptiness is just palpable.  Even The Girls are drooping around sniffing and searching for their Holly. 

Little things remind me of her and then the tears and waterworks will start all over again.  For instance, we both enjoy the habit of eating oatmeal for breakfast, each with half of a sweet, juicy Texas peach cut up over it.  On mornings when I had to get up and leave earlier I would cook enough oatmeal for us both and then leave the other half of the peach on the cutting board for her.  Or she would do the same for me. 

Also, daisies are Holly’s favorite, because she says “daisies are happy flowers,” so I got these for her the other day so she could enjoy them her last week here.   But now that she is gone, these sights just tear at my heart.  And this may sound silly or sappy to you, but for those of you who also had to wave goodbye to a child this Fall, you know exactly what I mean!

So what has helped me get through this?  Well, honestly I’m still IN it so I’m not all the way on the other side yet.  But what has comforted me have been the hugs, calls, cards, even Facebook posts from thoughtful friends and my husband and family.  I have also had to force myself regularly to think of my “Ten Things” (see my story from June 10), focusing on all the many blessings that I do have to be thankful for in this scenario.  Also, per the recommendations in the Psychology Today article, we must make plans for how to occupy our “empty nest” time, so I will be teaching my Fall Women’s Bible Study class at our church, continuing to sing in our Praise Team, and then there is the other little detail that I am starting MY graduate school next Tuesday.   

But also, promises from God like these give comfort and renewed hope to our souls ~

The righteous cry out and the LORD hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles.  The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.                                                                       ~ Psalm 34:17-18

The LORD will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins.  He will make her deserts like Eden and her wastelands like the garden of the LORD.  Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing.                                                                      ~  Isaiah 51:3

One of my friends posted on my Facebook page, “Ellen, we have to let them fly!”  And when I was still drowning in my puddle of grief, I wasn’t quite ready for that advice.  And yet I am familiar with that saying and am slowly beginning to accept the wisdom of it.  My head agrees, my heart is just dragging a little in catching up….

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven…… a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.                                                                                             ~  Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4

On June 12, 1988, in the final days of my second pregnancy, I was in the worship service at Bannockburn Baptist Church here in Austin.  As is the Baptist custom, there was a closing song and an invitation for anyone who wanted to come forward, and God spoke to me very clearly at that moment.  I knew that the birth of my baby would occur very soon and God inspired me to get up and walk to the front during that song.  The pastor asked me what I needed and I told him I wanted to “dedicate my baby to the LORD.”  So he said a prayer with me and then when the music ended he announced to the whole congregation my commitment.   Holly entered the world two days later, June 14, 1988.  So from before she was even born she was dedicated to the LORD, and then within just a few years she gave her own heart to Him as well.  Now she is convinced that moving to Chicago is God’s plan for her next steps in life and so I also need to trust that He will be there with her, protecting, teaching, strengthening, and guiding her.   She is dedicated to Him, in any case.

For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.   All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.                            ~  Psalm 139:13-14, 16

So what is the advice for the empty nest syndrome?  “Let them fly.”  Flying is what Holly is doing, and the same may be true for your children.  And for those of us left behind watching our little precious bird soaring farther and farther in the distance, we just have to remember that God is with them.  And where God is, there is joy.  So let us trust Him with them.  And know that our aching hearts will heal a little bit each day.  Sigh.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?  Where can I flee from Your presence?  If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.                                                                                                                 ~  Psalm 139:7, 9-10



As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you.    ~  Isaiah 66:13