Open Hands

Today is my daughter Holly’s 23^rd birthday…..and Flag Day!  Her due date was Juneteenth (June 19^th) so she had a good chance of being born on a holiday, she just came five days early!

A few weeks ago I had asked her what she wanted to do this summer and she said, “Mom, let’s take a trip together!”  Well, that sounded wonderful….right up until the dollar signs started appearing before my eyes and the astronomical cost of traveling made my heart sink, considering my job-hunting woes.  But a few days ago I had a revelation, “We live in Austin, Texas for goodness sake – there are SO many fun things to do right here in town, and for a much more reasonable cost than traveling somewhere else!”  So for her birthday I had proposed that we have a whole day of “Austin Fun,” starting with kayaking on Lady Bird Lake (formerly known as Town Lake).    She loved the idea so we met her brother Ryan down at the Zilker Park Boat Rentals this morning and got all launched in three little one-person orange kayaks. 

Yesterday in preparation for our big outing I had painfully withdrawn two $20 bills from our pitiful beleaguered checking account so I could be prepared to pay the “cash only” kayak rental fees.  And also, in order to be prepared for any contingency I had dug out my lovely and stylish (in the 80’s) hot pink “belly bag” so I would have a small washable purse-type container for the money, my camera, and any other necessities of kayaking.  When Ryan and Holly saw the belly bag they both looked at me like, “You aren’t going to WEAR that, are you?”  Of course not, I have a TINY bit of fashion sense, so I just hung it jauntily on my shoulder.  Who says I am not classy!

We pushed off from the shore at Zilker Park into the beautiful aquamarine water, lush green trees welcoming us along the way.  We dipped our bright yellow paddles in the water on one side of the kayak and then the other, magically propelling ourselves down the narrow channel toward the wide-open lake.  We could look down through the clean translucent water fed by nearby Barton Springs and see all the way to the bottom.  It was populated with many species of fish, prolific wispy lake ferns, and the occasional turtle swimming lazily along or sunning himself on a rock by the shore.  It was so peaceful.  So exhilarating. 

I took this photo of Holly ahead of me and my mood was jerked back to reality as I saw her gaily paddling away from me….paddling away….quite symbolic considering in just a few weeks she is moving 1,100 miles north to the Windy City to begin her Master’s Degree in Social Work at the University of Chicago.   

I thought I had already endured the “empty nest syndrome” five years ago when she left for her freshman year of college…..but living 15 minutes away at the University of Texas is not exactly the same magnitude!   I sometimes lately feel like throwing myself down on the floor and clamping my arms around her ankle in hopes that she will change her mind! 

I kept my morose thoughts to myself however, so we could continue enjoying her birthday kayaking adventure.  Periodically I balanced the dripping paddle across my lap and brought my camera out of the belly bag to capture the beauty of the Austin scenery.  It was so refreshing to celebrate and enjoy good times in the midst of the trying financial difficulties still nagging at my spirit. 

Our rental hour was ticking down so we reluctantly turned and paddled back to the boat launch.  I walked over to the little card table set up as the registration booth and began digging for the money.  To my horror, after virtually dumping out the entire contents of the silly belly bag, including emptying the handy outer Velcro pockets, I discovered that the two $20 bills were now nowhere to be found.  The truth finally sank in – they must have fallen out one of the times I had taken the camera out and then had blown off the back end of the kayak.  My forty dollars was floating (or sinking) somewhere out there on Lady Bird Lake!  Familiar anger and regret welled up in me again and my mind secretly thought, “Lord, seriously!  You KNOW what our financial situation is right now….HOW could you let this happen?”  I gazed helplessly at the pleasant young attendant who had witnessed my dilemma and she very kindly and graciously said, “Don’t worry about it.   Really.  Just consider it our gift for the birthday.”  Grace.   Such a beautiful gift.   

As Ryan and Holly and I continued the Austin-style birthday adventure by walking down Barton Springs Road to eat lunch at Austin Java (which mercifully takes ATM cards) my inner thoughts continued to churn about the lost money.  “I just can’t believe that happened!  Such a waste – and now of all times…..”  But then, as always, the gentle voice of God came comforting and teaching me through His Word.

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, for God has said, “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.”            ~  Hebrews 13:5

And also some other famous words exhorted my soul ~

Hold everything in your hands loosely, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open.    ~  Corrie Ten Boom

Suddenly I realized that God was not just instructing me about the truly inconsequential $40, but also about my daughter – my baby, and the vise-grip my heart has on her, the utter dread of her imminent departure.  “You can trust Me with her,” the LORD whispered to my grieving spirit.  “I have guided her to this path and I will take care of her and bless her there,” He promised.  “But you need to open your hand.”   

So, I’m working on it.  Growth is a process.   But I did get to the point during lunch today where I stopped feeling the regret over losing the money.  I am holding on to it too tightly.  Our security must be in the LORD, not in our bank accounts (which can so suddenly take a turn for the worse, as we have experienced.....)

My God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in Christ Jesus.  ~  Philippians 4:19

Maybe someone else paddling out there will see those two $20 bills floating along and find them – and that money will bless them and maybe even answer a prayer of theirs in a miraculous way!  And maybe I can get to this same point of fully releasing Holly to God’s tender care, as well. 

In the meantime, Happy Birthday Holly!  And Happy Flag Day!